just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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