Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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