Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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