My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
