I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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