So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
