Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
