Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
