I just pynch a tree in the face
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
