saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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