I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
