dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
