Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
