I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
