i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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