Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
