Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
should my penis look like a turkey
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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