At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
