Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
