Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i now understand why vodka
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
