Will you blow on my dice?
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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