It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
