Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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