I think I won the penis lottery.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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