it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just invented taco cereal.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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