She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
