I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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