either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
