He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
