Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
