When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She told me I should be a condom model.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
