My liver just broke up with me...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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