I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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