im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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