Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
