mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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