My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
