i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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