I am spending my child support on dildos
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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