They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
