i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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