Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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