The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
