The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
