Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
