I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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