The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
