I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
