Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
