the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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