i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
