dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
